You Are Such A Good Listener

Yesterday my staff and I held our quarterly meeting. One big topic of discussion was how to be better communicators. While it is important to be an effective communicator one thing that often gets overlooked is that communication is a two way street. The other half of communication is being a better listener.

So listen up as I share with you a few tips for how to improve your communications skills by being a better listener.

1 – Put away your phone.

How can something so straightforward be so hard to put into practice? The simple act of putting your phone out of sight helps you to engage with the world around you. Try it, and notice how you’re suddenly more in the moment, able to see and hear things that you ordinarily wouldn’t notice. “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”

2 – Be genuinely curious.

Often, we appear to be listening to others because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do, but our minds are actually a million miles away. I’ve learned that the only way to really become a good listener is to develop a spirit of genuine curiosity. My own mother is the master of this. When I was growing up (and usually chattering constantly), I always knew that she approached our conversations with genuine curiosity. When Mom asked about my school day, she really wanted to know the answer, and the result was that I always opened up about whatever was going on in my life. Let’s cultivate a spirit of curiosity in others’ lives so they can be vulnerable with us.

Another benefit of curiosity is that it helps you suspend judgement of the other person. When you approach a conversation in an effort to truly understand through active listening, you end up asking questions like, “How does that make you feel?” instead of jumping in or becoming defensive. Even if you do disagree in the end, you might find some common ground that allows you to respond with empathy.

3 – Don’t think about your response while the other person is talking.

Stephen R. Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

This can be a tough one to put into practice, since most of us are conditioned to think about what we’re going to say next as our foremost duty in a conversation. One strategy that’s helped me: paraphrase at least some of what the other person just said before responding. It ensures that I’ve accurately understood them, plus it gives me some time to process and think about my response after they’ve finished speaking.

4 – Pretend you’re going to have to tell someone else about the conversation later on.

This is a cool little mental trick that really works. By telling yourself that you’re going to have to describe the conversation you’re having later, your brain automatically engages in the active listening skills it needs for recall. Instead of thinking about your response, you start processing what the other person is saying so that you can really remember it – which means being alert, engaged, and asking questions.

5 – Maintain eye contact.

This is something I’ve really been working on this year, and it’s amazing how the simple act of maintaining eye contact with someone throughout our conversation allows me to stay more present. Sometimes before sitting down with another person for a discussion, I’ll remind myself of two simple words: “Show up.” Even though I’m already there physically, just saying this phrase can be a powerful reminder to be ALL there, not drifting around the space of my thoughts.

6 – Wait for the punctuation at the end of the sentence.

Sometimes I find myself getting so anxious to share my own ideas that I tend to jump in before the other person has finished their complete thought – which is really just another way of saying that I’m interrupting. Instead of rushing to state my opinion or suggest solutions, I’m trying to become comfortable with waiting for the pause at the end of the other person’s sentence. By being present and really listening, it tells the other person that you value them enough to take however much time they need to share their thoughts.

I think that most of us would agree that it’s more difficult than it used to be to stay present in the moment; there are so many things competing for our attention, from the constant flow of emails to our overpacked schedules. But I believe that becoming a good listener is worth our continued time and effort. Not only does it communicate love and respect to the people around us, but most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.”

Thanks for listening! I look forward to seeing all of you this evening for our virtual cocktail hour where you can put your new communication skills to the test!